SFN Note: Thanks to Cardiff Giant for his second parody home run of the week. Yesterday he chimed in with a hilarious interview with Tommy Hunt after Jeff had blogged a great one about Hunt’s recent comments.
Newly hired North Carolina State Assistant Sports Information Director Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, better known as “Baghdad Bob� from his term as Iraqi Information Minister during the Iraq War, held his first press conference today as “personal spokesman� for Wolfpack football coach Chuck Amato. Here’s a sampling of what he had to say:
Mr. al-Sahaf: Thank you gentlemen for coming. I will tell you the absolute truth. Lying is forbidden in the Murphy Center. Coach Amato will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts. Now, gentlemen of the press, your questions:
Q. How do you respond to media criticism of Coach Amato’s comments regarding the University of Akron, and other schools, having “partial qualifiers�?
A: Our initial assessment is that they will all die. The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!
Q. Mr. al-Sahaf…
A. Call me Bob.
Q. … Bob then, are you saying that Coach Amato was misquoted?
A. I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that the media have started to commit suicide under the walls of Carter-Finley Stadium. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly. We are not afraid of the media. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid …and they are condemned!
Q. With respect, Mr. Information Minister, what we haven’t heard you say is whether Coach Amato actually blames his team’s recent loss to Akron on partial qualifiers. I mean, isn’t Akron the kind of team a program like N.C. State should beat, easily?
A. Akron? We made them drink poison on Saturday and Coach Amato and his great forces gave the Zips a lesson that will not be forgotten by history. Truly. On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the Zips who were confused and the number of poor calls by the officials. The operation continues.
Q. Are you saying that N.C. State did not actually lose to Akron, because of the officials?
A. The officials? These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the ACC office is a pathetic criminal and his Coordinator of Football Officials, Mr. Tommy Hunt, deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a fair game? Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the ACC in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!
Q. Are you saying the officials did not control the game correctly, sir?
A. Who are in control, they are not in control of anything – they don’t even control themselves! The officials, they always depend on a method what I call … stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourselves. Do not in fact repeat their lies.
Q. But are you saying Akron did not actually win the game last Saturday, Bob?
A. There was no Zips victory in Raleigh. Never! They’re not even with 100 miles of Raleigh. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Carter-Finley. I triple guarantee you, there are no Akron players in Carter-Finley!
Q. Mr. Information Minister, I want to return to the subject of Coach’s Amato’s recent comments. Coach Amato apparently referred to Fresno State as having “partial qualifiers,� yet the Fresno State coach has responded by saying he has none on the team. Does Coach Amato want to clarify his prior comments?
A. I have detailed information about the situation…which completely proves that what the Fresno State coach alleges are illusions . . . They lie every day!
Q. Fresno State lies every day? Is Coach Amato not concerned that he might have made an inaccurate statement about the Fresno State program?
A. No I am not scared, and neither should you be. These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying. I speak better English than this villain Pat Hill, the coach at Fresno State.
Q. And the media are lying too, by reporting the statements, is that your position, sir?
A. I blame the News and Observer – they are marketing for the Carolina University!
Q. Some people are saying that Coach Amato’s comments, not the media, are out of control, sir.
A. We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by telling lies about Coach Amato and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards!
Q. Mr. Information Minister, Coach Hill at Fresno State has issued a challenge to play the Wolfpack in Boise, or at any free time on their schedule. How do you respond to that?
A. God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Coach Amato! They’re coming to surrender or be burned in their helmets.
Q. So you think N.C. State would win a game against Fresno State?
A. They are most welcome. We will butcher them.
Q. With this Akron loss and all this controversy, how do you like the Pack’s chances against upcoming ACC opponents?
A. My feelings – as usual – we will slaughter them all!
Q. Bob, Coach Amato has lost the last two meetings to arch rival North Carolina. Any prediction on how this year’s game will turn out?
A. We will welcome them with bullets and shoes. They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them!
Q. Some people are saying that UNC coach John Bunting has his team better prepared for this rival game than Coach Amato. What do you say about that?
A. Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought – as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the red zone. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed.
Q. So, does Coach Amato guarantee a victory?
A. We will kill them all……..most of them. Because we will behead you all! Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly.
Q. Any final statement or clarification of Coach Amato’s previous comments, sir?
A. We will defeat Southern Miss on Saturday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in ESPN and SI.com have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium. As for the media, please, please! The media are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method.
Turn your stupid and desperate methods on Coach K of Duke College, who looks to me like a Hitler of sorts but loses to Greeks, hah! Thank you gentlemen of the press.
Q. Thank you, Mr. al-Sahaf.
