“Calipari, come on man, NC STATE????”
– Sports Radio host Jim Rome, to Memphis basketball coach John Calipari, August 4, 2006.
Oh, that wacky Jim Rome and his State-bashing ways. But it made me wonder: How do these radio hacks get to their positions of dubious celebrity? I mean, it’s not like they have to pass a CPA exam or something. Truly, can any idiot just get in front of a radio microphone and start bloviating on sports matters until he’s acquired a sufficient coterie of lackeys and wannabes to justify a minimum wage? The Giant stoops to a look at how Jim Rome might have obtained his first big break in the radio world:
From: [email protected]
Re: Carnies
Date: May 12, 2000
Dear Billie as you may know we at Amusementworld (“the Big Tent Show Of The South!�) are getting ready to kick off our summer tour and boy do we need some midway carnies like always! Can you send us some who will per usual work for peanuts heh heh heh? No predicate violent felons this time if you please. And PLEASE, no whores. We’re still getting over Lulu Mae. Thank you, signed, Roybub
From: [email protected]
Re: Carnies
Date: May 13, 2000
Dear Roybub:
Obviously we were not aware of Mr. Hodgkin’s history when we sent him to you last year, though I agree (without acknowledging liability in any way) that Mr. Hodgkin’s stating on his application “I will make you wear your ass as a hat trust me on this O Lord� should have raised a red flag. Memoranda have been sent to the appropriate quarters. As for Lulu Mae Stubbs, federal privacy laws on medical issues prevent my commenting further.
I am sending you two prospective applicants: A Mr. James Czernich, who answers to the name of “Pit Bull� and is a local resident, and a Mr. James Rome, of no fixed address. I hope that helps.
Billie Jattce
Social Worker II
Work Placement Division
From: [email protected]
Re: Carnies
Date: May 13, 2000
Dear Billie thank you so much we are happy to talk to them though they will have to pass the Carnie Aptitude Test to get a ride license. Of course, it ain’t like it’s tough. Once we gave it to Zozo the Organ Grinder’s monkey and dang if that chimp didn’t get a 96! We’ll let you know.
From: [email protected]
Re: Carnies
Date: May 13, 2000
Dear Roybub:
I am pleased by your response, though I would note that we at the Department take pride in the fact that our state has some of the toughest carnival licensing laws in the country and rather doubt that this monkey passed the test in a controlled environment and, frankly, without cheating. That point aside, please let us know how they do. We are rather anxious to place both applicants as they have been without steady employment for some time and threaten to become permanent public charges. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
PS: I am compelled to inform you that Mr. Czernich lacks a high school diploma, and does have one felony conviction, though I am assured he has reformed and the offense was technically a non-violent one.
Billie Jattce
Social Worker II
Work Placement Division
From: [email protected]
Re: Czernich and Rome
Date: May 13, 2000
Dear Billie thank you for your honesty. Send him along we all make mistakes and as you know I did a little time myself back in the day though I have since found righteousness as you know. Also, here are a couple practice questions from the exam so they can study up:
1. A carnival ride explodes. Burning riders can be extinguished with:
a. gasoline b. blankets c. foam fire extinguishers d. WD-40.
2. Your till is short $8 at the end of your shift. To fix this, you:
a. rob somebody by the food tent b. report to your supervisor c. pick up money spilled under the ride d. don’t pay it no damn mind it’s the bossman’s problem.
Thanks signed Roybub
PS: Anything I need to know about that Rome guy?
From: [email protected]
Re: Rome
Date: May 14, 2000
Dear Roybub:
Mr. Rome has no criminal record but has never found what we at the Department would consider steady work since his graduation from UC Santa Barbara. Not that there’s anything wrong with that per Departmental policy.
Billie Jattce
Social Worker II
Work Placement Division
From: [email protected]
Re: Rome and Czernich
Date: May 15, 2000
Dear Billie I am pleased to report that Pit Bull passed the test with flying colors and will be operating the Tilt-A-Whirl this season. He has moved in with Lightnin’ Sanders whom he says he met in the joint. Thank you for providing this fine hire to us! Unfortunately Mr. Rome did not pass the test scoring a 42 when the passing score is 60. I must say he might not be as dumb as a fence post but is certainly not any smarter and as you know if he is not licensed he cannot be a carnie and we cannot use him. I have copied Mr. Jonas Grumby, CEO, on this email as we cannot consider Mr. Rome for other employment; we gave Mr. Rome the test for Crap Shovel Worker I in the World Menagerie and he chose “my hands� as the best way to pick up zebra dung. Sorry signed Roybub
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected];[email protected]
Re: Rome
Date: May 16, 2000
Dear Roybub and Mr. Grumby:
Obviously we at the department, though very happy about Mr. Czernich (you might pass on to him, per the request of local law enforcement, that Montana is a lovely place to settle down and raise a family, as you go there as part of your summer tour), are very disappointed that Mr. Rome failed his licensing test to be a carnie, not to mention the other position. I must state candidly that we are running out of options. Is there no place in your organization Mr. Rome can be useful? We at the Department would consider this a personal favor, and in return can tell you that, if Mr. Rome is placed, the matter of the Guerrero, Mendez, and Jimenez identification papers may well be resolved in your favor, though of course the two are not connected and must be judged on their own merits.
Billie Jattce
Social Worker II
Work Placement Division
From: [email protected]
Re: Rome
Date: May 17, 2000
Dear Ms. Jattce:
I need Jiminez on the midway; he works his tail off. Does Mr. Rome like sports? I own a local AM radio station that needs a sports talk host from 1 to 3 AM. He doesn’t need to know anything. None of them do anyway. My last two radio hosts failed the carnival worker test, too, so there’s precedent. $7.15 per hour and a meal voucher at the “Grumby Skillet� restaurant. Please let me know.
Signed,
Jonas Grumby
From: [email protected]
Re: Rome
Date: May 17, 2000
Dear Mr. Grumby:
Mr. Rome wants to know, can he have a cot?
Billie Jattce
Social Worker II
Work Placement Division
From: [email protected]
Re: Rome
Date: May 17, 2000
Yes. He can bunk in the paint locker. No more than 30 days though and he’s got to keep clean.
From: [email protected]
Re: Rome
Date: May 17, 2000
Dear Mr. Grumby:
Wonderful and thank you very much! I am certain that the Department, noting your cooperation in this matter, will see things your way in the Jiminez and other matters. Mr. Rome will be at the station Monday night.
Incidentally, I didn’t know sports radio talk show hosts could be that stupid. Not, per Departmental policy, that there’s anything wrong with that.
Billie Jattce
Social Worker II
Work Placement Division
