Evil Clown Says N.C. State Job Is “Lifetime Dream.�
STUBER FORKS, IOWA (Associated Press)
When times get stressful, Pennywise the Clown just thinks about the corn.
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“I have gardening to do, salesmen to kill.”
The evil clown, now a twenty-year resident of the small town of Stuber Forks, Iowa, is well aware that his name is being floated for the vacant head coaching position at North Carolina State University. And while Pennywise candidly describes coaching in the Atlantic Coast Conference as a “dream job, better than running the Derry High School Killing Team,� he says he’s keeping an even strain and letting others do the worrying.
“I’m still very passionate about my profession,� says Pennywise. “But I’ve been around for a while now, and when things get stressful, I just think about the corn growing. That’s something a clown can really wrap his hands around. And let’s face it – I’m a little used to being out of the spotlight these days.�
Pennywise, who’s coy about his exact age – “two, ten centuries; you’re only as old as you feel� – knows that he’s not the first name to pop up on national radar screens. “But heck,� he says. “Look at who’s talking. Dick Vitale? Exactly who do you think took his dignity 20 years ago? That’s right – chomp, chomp, CHOMP. He doesn’t like to talk about it, but I’m the guy who made him who he is: a total clown. And let’s not even talk about Jay Bilas.�
“UNC? They’ve always been in bed with Satan.”
When Pennywise looks at the N.C. State situation, though, he sees an opportunity, not just a challenge. “A lot of guys are scared off – that’s no secret,� Pennywise says. “Look at who you have to deal with. Coach K? Speaks for itself. And UNC? They’ve always been in bed with Satan. Why do you think all those kids kept checking out at the start of each basketball season when Dean Smith was coach? Fell off a roof, my ass. Total evil. But I’m not scared – respectful, sure, but not scared. When it comes to evil, I have to say I don’t take a back seat to anyone. I was raised to compete.�
“I was raised to compete.”
But Pennywise admits that questions about his past may cause otherwise interested schools to give him a miss. And even now, he’s clearly reluctant to talk about the fall of 1985, when he went from the top of the world to a forgotten clown in the space of just a few weeks in Derry, Maine.
“Yes, I was on top of the world, then,� Pennywise says. “I ran a top notch program with very high standards. The killing team was my life, and I have to say we were doing excellent work in Derry. Beheadings, disembowelments … the whole works. And then those kids came back, I got cocky, and it was Katy bar the door. But heck – look at Bob Knight.�
Pennywise, in happier days, signals the “spread” offense (courtesy Derry Killing Team).
Pennywise, it will be remembered, was forced out of Derry by a group of hometown residents, including the famous writer William “Stuttering Bill� Denbrough, who came back to the small Maine town and “basically ran me out on a rail,� Pennywise says. “What can I say? It was the Eighties. You have to think about who was in that group. A fat kid, a skank, a minority, a DJ … against a Rainbow Coalition like that, I lost the public opinion battle from day one no matter how many balloons I handed out at media events.�
Pennywise admits that “severe depressionâ€? over the ousting caused him to “dabble” in substance abuse for some years, but says, “I encountered a wonderful sponsor, who taught me to take things one day at a time, you know? Before you can go back to motivating others, you have to learn to motivate yourself. And I’ve done that.â€?
“The Princeton offense? That crap is for the birds.”
One thing in his favor, Pennywise says, is that he “hates, hates, HATES” the so-called “Princeton offense” run by former Wolfpack coach Herb Sendek. “That crap is for the birds,” Pennywise scoffs. “When’s the last time Princeton won a national championship? And talk about boring – Fellini films are more entertaining. Heck, I’d rather crawl though sewers than watch threes clang off the rim all day – run n’ gun, that’s Pennywise basketball.”
“I take it one day at a time.”
And, says Pennywise, he’s getting himself back into championship shape. “I got this traveling salesman the other day, wanted to sell me a vacuum. Came in and poured crap all over my Bokhara without so much as a ‘please.’ I had his tongue out and his head off in two seconds flat – tied for my best time in 1958. That’s ACC-level killing – and I can do that without compromising academic standards. Can [Maryland basketball coach] Gary Williams say the same?�
But, right now, Pennywise is watching the spring planting and thinking about the future. “Look, I’ll be honest with you … N.C. State has a great history, great facilities, and the fans are first rate. I’d be honored to be a part of it. I do the wolf shape-change better than anyone. And while I’m not going to get into specifics, my agent has been talking to some people in North Carolina. We’ll see what happens.�
And what if the Wolfpack looks elsewhere? “I have gardening to do, salesmen to kill – and Duke lacrosse is going to need a new coach,â€? the clown says. “One day at a time.â€? He winks, and says, “Care for a balloon?â€?
